Recent events have filled me with sorrow at human nature. I feel sorry for us all. However, I feel there is still hope. I pray for redemption. I mean if I see these things in other people then surely I’m guilty of these very things or I am capable of doing them too.

All I want to say is people need people. We need each other. Every person we meet is placed in our way for a reason. What is the point of all this rushing around – waking up early and being one of the last ones to go to bed – if we’re just going to end up alone? Why do we seem to want to hold people to their past wrongs? We as a society seem to want to keep people locked in their past even when they so desperately want out of it – even when the parties involved have let go of what went wrong and have moved on.

Last Friday night, I hang out with three friends of mine in the District. While we were driving around toward our destination, I noticed a homeless person who had made his or her bed on a pavement. Don’t get me wrong, I am very much aware that the homeless exist. I go to shelters once every while but this image was seared in my mind. I guess it was because of how cold that night was. I was thankful for the heat in the car. Then I remembered how cold I was one night in grad school when we had to sleep without power because of an ice storm. I can vividly recall how I shivered with cold even though I was on a bed and had a number of down comforters on me throughout the night. I could just imagine how cold this person was laying on the pavement and we were expecting some snow that night. I prayed to God to make a way. I wondered what happened to this person. Didn’t they have loved ones? Did they happen to be the only child of parents who were long gone? Had they gone down the wrong path for some reason? I had an idea for a shelter when we drove by in our warm car. I felt guilty for not saying or doing anything. I know my idea may take a while to materialize and somehow I hoped my prayer would make a difference. So shame on me for doing nothing about this person at that very moment but I know some day, I would make a great impact on the lives of homeless people with all the plans I have about helping them. I dream of the day when, we would have a world without homeless people.  

Come Sunday, I was a guest of a friend at a church and imagine my surprise. For a moment, I felt like I was at the lounge of a luxury hotel.  All I can say is, we build these opulent houses of worship which we generally use for a maximum of ten hours in a 168-hour week! It is not like we can’t house members in a smaller edifice and run several services in a day, right? Yet, all around us there are people who don’t have a cinder of burning log in their homes (if they have homes) to keep them warm. Is it faintly possible that we can turn part of these places of worship into homeless shelters or soup kitchens for the poor? I was amazed at the size of the structure. It had obviously gone up quickly for I had been by that area not too long ago and there was nothing but land there. As I sized the place up and down, with its fireplace and coffee dispensers, massive glass doors, huge screens and all the other facilities this place of worship had to offer, I wondered if I would have had the courage to walk in there to worship if I was dirty, smelled-funky and had torn clothes. There are places of worship that are pint-sized (for want of expression) feverishly itching to become big. They want more worshippers in their places of worship. Some genuinely have good intentions to be the beacon on the hill in the neighborhoods God has placed them in. Others, want so much to have their own fine places of worship – a place to call their own instead of a rented spot.  None of these desires are wrong in themselves so far as we don’t miss out on our own blessings. Your niche may be in the smallness of your members. We don’t all have the same gifts. I would rather be a member of a small place of worship where the minister knows each of the members by name and need (spiritual or physical) than be a member of a huge church where I am lucky to get a hello from the minister.  

It looks to me in my little corner that we are going to miss out on a lot of people because of the airs we put on. We surround ourselves with things that are only temporary – things that can be taken away in the blink of an eye – the money, the stocks, the family, the house, the cars and the fans. We have misplaced priorities. We are running around being busy about nothing. Struggling to stay at the top and yet remaining soul-less…empty. None of these things we strive so hard for, would be at our bedside when we are sick. Your parents may disown you. Your children may abandon you when you need them most. The stocks we own won’t make going home to our Father any easier. However, if we share our gifts with others, yes, we may die alone but we would rest knowing we touched a few lives when we had our moment on the earth. I’m not saying, we shouldn’t aspire for greater things or that we don’t deserve to enjoy the benefits of our hard work. No! Let’s just learn to add some soul to all the busyness. Let it not be all about you, your spouse and your children. Let it include the people who for one reason or another (the reason they are in their current situation shouldn’t be our basis for sharing) don’t have what you have now. It’s not always about the money too, sometimes, it’s just a kind word they need. For just as the earth rotates on its axis, today you may have it and tomorrow they may be the ones owning what you have right now.  I believe strongly from my own life that the people you bless while your barns are full are some of the ones who would come to your aid when your barns are empty. To those we’ve lost who put a pinch of their souls in our lives even as they struggled to stay human and not be swayed by success, God bless you.  Rest in peace, Whitney Houston. Like Rev. Marvin Winans said, you knew your priorities.To the rest of us, even as we try to stay above the water of this tough life, add some soulful-ness to your existence!

I know this young lady who is very dear to my heart. I’ve known her for years. She is also a very private person. She’s just recovering from a relationship that turned sour. Seeing her broken over a relationship is a very new thing to me. She’s usually the no-nonsense kind of woman who would walk away from a relationship that threatens to bring a lot of headaches down the road. She isn’t like me who would invest years of her life in a man all in the name of love (even though he’s left a couple of times already). She wouldn’t cry over a man who loves her or says he loves her and yet chooses another. Let’s just say, she’s not me. Therefore, to hear her break down over the phone is really sad. I didn’t have words to say because she would usually be the one doing the comforting (her own version of it) each time I’ve had my heart broken – with the exception of my last one but let’s leave that in the past.

As if that wasn’t enough, this man she was going to marry in a few months, completely violates her privacy by posting private pictures of her online. Wait a minute before you go judging her. I wouldn’t judge her because it’s all about trust. She trusted him enough to bare her body and soul to him. I’ve never judged anyone who’s done this within the context of an adult relationship and I’m not about to judge anyone. It’s all about trust/love and at the end of the day, it’s between them and God. It wasn’t an easy feat getting that social media outlet to take those pictures down. Since they didn’t have a “Contact us” link we had to get others on board to report each picture. While we were collectively able to get some of them down, we weren’t able to get all of them down because they seemed appropriate enough by their standards.

Before I make this about social media websites or violation of privacy, let’s get back to why I’m sharing this. My friend is one of the strongest women I’ve known. God knows if I were in her shoes, I would have gotten off that website and probably begged God to end my life. In all of this, she’s stood her ground. She’s faced her moments of ‘weakness’ where she let down her guard and trusted a man she loved. Most of us have had those moments of weakness – which I would rather label as moments of vulnerability and trust – where we’ve allowed love and trust to make us get into things we usually wouldn’t get into. I often hear that there is a thin line between love and hate but anyone who stoops that low to do that to another person is unconscionable to say the least.  I am glad that there is a God who promises to fight our battles for us (if we allow Him to). Through it all, as we gathered around this strong young lady to let her know we had her back, God gave us a Word through the Streams in the Desert Devotional, by L. B. Cowman:

Very often the enemy seems to triumph for a season, and God allows it. But then He comes in and upsets the work of the enemy, overthrows the apparent victory, and as the Bible says, “frustrates the ways of the wicked” (Ps. 146:9). Consequently, He gives us a much greater victory than we would have known allows us had He not allowed the enemy seemingly to triumph in the first place.

Some words of warning to the ones who go around betraying the trust of people who bare their very souls to you because they love you, to the ones who take advantage of people who love them, it’s time you reach out to the ones you keep betraying and hurting to make amends for the pain before God comes in to frustrate your ways. It may take a day or a decade but God finally does come through for those who cry out to Him for help when they’ve been hurt and betrayed. Fortunately for all of us, God is that compassionate. He would forgive if you truly repent but first you have to reach out to the ones you hurt and ask for their forgiveness too.

To this strong young lady, cheer up for God usually allows those He has great plans for to lose everything when He wants to give us a new beginning. He bulldozes everything you’ve built and rebuilds you all over again. We usually prefer to be remodeled for it’s the easier way out after all. It’s being rebuilt that we shy away from because it hurts the most. Sometimes, the process of rebuilding involves having to undergo periods of shame, loss of respect and dignity just to name a few. Young lady, I am glad you are keeping your head up and standing strong. You are a strong woman, rock on! For all of us who came together to support her, the fight is not over. Let’s keep our loved one lifted up in prayer. Let’s pray for peace and for a forgiving spirit for all of us. Last night, as I was in prayer asking God to intervene in this situation – bring peace and healing to my friend, and asking Him to “frustrate the wicked”- I found myself saying, “I forgive…” I wondered where that came from. Why would I forgive someone who’s hurt someone I love? Forgiveness is a secret weapon. When we forgive, we allow God to come in and fight on our behalf. Forgive, heal and love again for in all of this, we still have to trust and love with blind faith but I guess with extra caution for as Shakespeare said, “there’s no art to find the mind’s construction in the face.”

I don’t also pretend to know everything about walking in faith or professing to be a child of God. I’m learning daily. I’m a work in progress. I fall down and get back again. I must say, that I really admire this man’s faith. I think if those of us who profess to be children of God (Christians) could publicly display our faith in a world where we are being forced to hide our faith under the basket instead of being the light of the world(see Matthew 5:14-16), we would grow steadily in our walk with the Lord. I can’t even begin to put myself in his shoes. I may have quickly put an end to my Public Display of Faith, PDF (I just coined it) if I was Tim Tebow for one day. All those harsh criticisms may have made me give in to the pressure and hide my faith and yet I am not to be conformed to the world (see Romans 12:1-3).

Publicly displaying our faith does not guarantee we would always be on top of our game/calling/career. As much as we put in effort to grow in our faith, we have to work on our skills. We have to do our part and improve on our skills. We wouldn’t always be successful. In fact, there would be lots of times we would want to confront the Lord, “I’m sticking my neck out for You and yet You didn’t bless me today, this week or this month with a single touchdown, business deal or sale.”  The fact that we are living for the Lord or living in faith doesn’t mean we would be exempt from loss, rejection, lack, trial or failure. Neither does it mean we would be immune to the pain of all these circumstances but He promises to add all things to us when we put Him first. Those experiences of loss, rejection, lack or failure are meant to educate us and bless others.

Therefore be encouraged the Tim Tebows of the world, when you publicly show your faith in the Lord and don’t measure up to the standards of the world. Keep your head up when in spite of your faith you don’t succeed every time because God’s got your back. Your impact in the lives of struggling children of God may not be as great if you are scoring every touchdown, every game. In due time, the Lord would prepare you a banquet in the presence of your critics. The banquet may not necessarily serve the menu you had in mind but it is sure to be exceedingly and abundantly more than you expected. For those of us who only display our faith when it’s convenient or when it’s less likely to draw criticism, let’s learn from Tim Tebow. Stand firm in the face of the criticism, do your part and let God do the rest.

The year 2011 started out as somewhat bleak to me but it held a lot of promise. I was very optimistic about the promise 2011 seemed to be offering me. There were times that I gave in to pessimism but somehow, I always managed to pick myself up in the end. I desired new things in my life. I recall asking the Lord for godly relationships at a time when I didn’t have a church home. Looking back, I got practically everything I asked the Lord for but there was always a lesson that came with the gift.

I had started attending a church in my upscale suburban neighborhood. It was a big church and the people there seemed very friendly but somehow, I always went back home craving for something more. That feeling was similar to attending a cocktail when what you really needed was a five-course dinner. At the time, I didn’t know what it was I was missing. I virtually stumbled upon another church near my neighborhood. I decided to give it a shot. I did and I sort of liked it. I missed the wonderful worship at the big well-established church. The new church had only about ten people present when I walked in. The praise team consisted of two ladies and an organist. I didn’t particularly enjoy the praise and worship time. Ironically, that craving was filled. As if to prove myself wrong, I visited the bigger church in my neighborhood one more time and I knew that after many years of asking the Lord to lead me to a special place of worship where I could grow, I had found it. It wasn’t packaged like I had expected it: in a big edifice with a large congregation and a big choir. Instead, that special place of worship I was meant to fall in love with was in a rented place with a few people and a usually non-existent choir. However, one thing this place didn’t lack was love. I can’t explain it but it is there every Sunday and any day between. I confess I have never wanted to serve in a church before. Hitherto, all I wanted to do was go in, get my praise on, and hear the Word and jet to my private world. Now, I find myself serving and volunteering to serve. The neat thing about it is, I enjoy it. The bonus is, I am blessed with some godly relationships. The lesson that came attached to this answer to my prayers was to take my eyes of the packaging and look at the heart.  It’s like when Samuel went to Jesse’s household to anoint the future king of Israel. He looked at the tall broad-shouldered men and thought surely it must be one of them but the Lord cautioned him that unlike humans who tend to look at the outward appearance, He the Lord God looks at the heart (See 1 Samuel 16:7)

I was given a wonderful opportunity to put my gifts to the test but fear crippled me to the point that I nearly turned it down. I knew the Lord was telling me to trust Him but all I could look at was my weaknesses. I didn’t seem to have anything in me to do this. Believe me, there were many obstacles that came with this opportunity. People, circumstances and this discouraging voice of the enemy (that always seemed to create fear in me) were there every step of the way to give me reasons to dwell on the situation and keep my eyes off the Lord. These were very trying times but the Lord never left my side. It had to be a one-on-one battle of wills with Him till I let Him have His way. I have never been steered wrong by God’s will. The lesson for me here was to learn to lean more on God and trust that He would never lead me wrong.

Oh and there is that subject of love. I love deeply and I am a firm believer in love but boy oh boy the errors in judgments have been quite a number this year! I have held on to a love I should have let go of years ago. For a good part of this year, there was every indication that we were getting back together. I was beyond ecstatic. However, I believe I finally figured out that he’s where he wants to be (which is not in my life) and I’ve got to respect that. I have learned that I am where God wants me to be at this moment. It is a good place. The lesson in this was for me to learn to let go and trust that the Lord sometimes chooses to show us the end from the beginning. (See Isaiah 46:10)

There have been lots of laughs and tears; some “mmms” and some “ouches.” There has been an abundance of love given and received. I have been blessed beyond measure this year. I have learned and I am learning every step of the way. Sometimes the lessons are hard to learn and other times it comes easy. I am learning that it comes easier when I submit to the will of God.

Here’s to the year ahead, 2012. I am expecting so much from you and I know you are expecting much more from me. Submission to the will of the Lord holds the key to my blessings. I will listen more to what God tells me and walk by faith. I will step out in faith more often than I did in 2011. I will try not to carry 2011 into 2012 but I hope to remember the lessons this year brought me. I know I am not going to get everything right on the first try but I’ll celebrate those learning curves as they come.

I will have a whole lot more blessings and lessons to share this time next year if it is the will of God. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Wishing you all a Happy New Year! Wishing you the best of 2012!

Biblical References:

(1 Samuel 16:7; http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Samuel%2016:7&version=NKJV)

(See Isaiah 46:10; http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2046&version=GNT)

Fortunately for me, I received an answer to a prayer I had prayed continuously and just about 5 minutes before the answer. You need to know that this answer turned my world upside down and inside out. It wasn’t a palatable answer but it was the answer I needed to rise up, pick up my mat and walk! I felt sick to my stomach. I was literally sick from the very moment the answer dropped into my lap and throughout the night. I felt betrayed to levels I never thought I could be betrayed. In tears, I knelt down and asked God for forgiveness. I spent the whole of the next day in bed, in tears and in poor health. Were there signs I missed? Should I have seen this coming? I interrogated myself throughout the day. Toward the end of the day, I asked the Lord for instant healing. I needed healing because I couldn’t bear to go down the path I usually take when betrayal rears its head in my life.

I didn’t only get healed instantly. I wrote a hundred and four-paged story in ten days. I couldn’t get away from the story that flowed from my heart into my hands as I typed on my laptop. When I had to part ways with my laptop and get out, I scribbled every chance I got into the notepad I carried around. The Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see the perpetrator of this betrayal in a new light. Yes, there were a few lies here and there but the intent was not malicious. Additionally, years, months and weeks to receiving the ultimate answer, the truth had been revealed to me in dreams. I only know this because three years ago, I was encouraged to journal my dreams. I journal my dreams (to be honest, I don’t write down every one of them due to laziness) but I forget about them. I was drawn to my dream journals when a pastor friend prayed during the first 24 hours of finding out the truth about my life. He said, “Lord, forgive her for missing the signs you gave her.” That got me thinking, this man didn’t know about my dreams but the minute he said that, I knew I had to reach for my dream journals. I am not trying to come across as something I’m not. I am no prophet and how I wish I knew what my tomorrows would be like. However, I am happy God is in control of my yesterdays, my today and my tomorrows. That is enough for me. I found out that I had been given the answer ahead of time. I chose not to use the truth to guide me. The harm has already been done. No use crying over spilt milk especially when so much is being birthed from that pain.

This brings me to why I started writing this piece anyway. I had been feeling really dirty in the past few weeks. No matter what anyone said to me, I kept thinking I should have known better. Last night, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. I believe he and I are unequally yoked. I believe his intentions for me are unwholesome to say the least. However, he always makes me laugh and I thoroughly enjoy his company. He called to ask if I wanted to hang out with him. He said, if I wasn’t up to it last night, we could do it another day. What I haven’t disclosed is, just before this call, I was feeling pretty blue to the point of asking a couple of friends to say a prayer for me. I honestly didn’t feel like hanging out with him that late but I was tempted because I knew he would say something to make me laugh. Then as I ponder over this request, he says to me, “Tonight is probably not a good idea.” I ask him why he said that. I expected him to say he was too tired or something along those lines. Instead he said, “I am drunk and you are pure.” I can’t tell you how much of a picker upper that was for me. Here I was feeling low because of my past and this was someone I had met when I was in the lowest of low in sin saying this about me! He went on to say that he would like us to go out when he wasn’t drunk sometime next weekend. I thanked him and blessed him for saying that.

Needless to say, I went to bed feeling much better than I was before that call. I hope you didn’t lose sight of my description of my ex but yet, that’s who God chose to use to remind me of how He sees me. I was touched on levels I can’t find words to describe – levels others who have been praying with me, others who have been struggling on this walk of faith with me and others who have been encouraging me on this walk of faith could never have touched. God answered the prayers of all those who prayed for me last night through this young man’s life. The stone that I rejected and even looked down upon became my cornerstone last night. My ex-boyfriend’s words inspired me to share what I have been going through in these past few weeks. Hopefully, my story would bless at least one life. I may not see myself as pure but I believe that in spite of my sins, God sees me as pure. It is a lesson to me in so many ways. I pray that like my friend, I would avail myself for God to use to pour the oil of joy (Psalm 47:5; NIV) into hurting souls. The answers to our prayers come when we least expect them and come from unexpected places.

I am truly thankful to God for my numerous blessings:

For health.

For peace of mind.

For the gift to share my deepest feelings and thoughts with people all over the world through this blog.

For the lives I have been blessed to touch and encourage through this blog.

For the kidney my uncle received a few months ago.

For exposure to a very “different” group of people (to make me more tolerable to people with conflicting attitudes to morals, work and life in general).

For my very own personal experience with “…when you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched” (Isaiah 43:2).

For the opportunity to be faithful in tithing.

For a church home.

For the loss of income.

For truth that comes out no matter how we try to cover it up.

For the ability to love unconditionally the people who say they love me and yet hurt me.

For the ability to finally close a chapter of my life and totally surrender it to God.

For new beginnings.

For the capacity to put food on my table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, pay my bills and help others.

For choosing to spend Thanksgiving by myself ( I was invited by a number of people but I didn’t feel up to it).

The last thing I am grateful for makes me wonder the number of people who are all by themselves this holiday not because they cannot afford the food but because of various reasons. Some may not be able to afford a trip to be with their loved ones. Others may have no family. Others were simply overlooked by the people they share a dorm with, share an office with, share a church pew with, ride the bus with etc. These are the same people we interact with in our neighborhoods, apartment buildings, offices and churches. They may have the biggest house on the block, the newest car and the best career but they may just need a place at your table this Thanksgiving or next Thanksgiving. Through our interactions with them all year round we are privy to their lonesome lifestyle. As Thanksgiving Day approaches, we wish everybody a happy thanksgiving and assume everyone is jetting off to Grandma’s. Come Monday, we would ask them how their Thanksgiving day went, and they would reply, “it went just fine” because they know we wouldn’t probe further. For they know or think we truly don’t care whether they had nobody to share a meal with or whether they had some of Grandma’s sumptuous pumpkin pie. We tend to miss these opportunities to invite some of these ones to our tables because they appear to have it all. Since looks are misleading, we need to ask. If you ask and you get turned down, you have done your part and they know you care.

Hopefully, next year we would seek these ones out… and to answer your question, the reason why there is nobody at my table is not because I didn’t seek any of these ones out. I know only one person who falls in this category. Her family is on the West Coast. She cannot afford to go home every Thanksgiving and Christmas. These holidays only make her feel all alone. I wanted us to share a meal but, she has resolved she is “not into holidays.” Would there be any outsiders at your table tomorrow? Are there any outsiders at your table today? Were there any outsiders at your table on Thanksgiving Day? If not, I am sure you would do better next year. I am thankful for your time!

Well, left with no choice but to ask this man who is slowly trying to reconnect with me, I decided to do just that. I had a gut feeling that we weren’t there yet but I said well, I would give it a shot and ask him just the same. If he couldn’t make it or didn’t feel up to it, well I would go alone and have a nice time…who knows I might meet someone. To this day, I don’t know what took over, put my cell phone in my hand and dialed another ex-beau’s number. Practically all of the few people who know my history with this man also believe I have no business remaining in contact with him. Not me, I know I’ve forgiven him for being extremely mean to me…and yes, I don’t always pick his calls or respond to his texts but I don’t believe in cutting people off completely. I also knew he would go with me in a heartbeat.

So anyway, since I’m not ready to accept that I actually did the calling, my hand dialed his number. He was excited for after all we were going to Trump’s Taj Mahal Casino resort. I am not a gambler and I had no intention of gambling but I just wanted to be in an exciting place just for that weekend. The minute we hung up, I was like, “what just happened? How am I going to get out of this?” For I surely didn’t want to go anywhere with him…much more share a hotel room with him. Yes, I intended to ask for double beds in the room but I knew I was asking for trouble. I also knew that if my relationship with this other man in my life was going to grow I had to tell him about this arrangement. However, I didn’t want him to think I was using emotional blackmail to get him to go with me for my birthday weekend even though I knew our relationship wasn’t ready for that yet. I hated what I had gotten myself into.

Come Sunday, I was a wreck. Thankfully the guest preacher at church cited an example of how God had kept David in a stronghold out of the reach of Saul. He mentioned that, when you are in God’s stronghold, it’s not a place that you necessarily enjoy but it’s definitely a place God keeps you out of trouble. In various places in the Bible, the stronghold is usually a place of refuge like a fortress. Even though it made a whole lot of sense to me, I did not think it applied to me then…well, till I tried to make reservations for my birthday weekend. Call, it what you may but it sure looked liked God intended to keep me in His stronghold and away from trouble. I was disappointed that my birthday weekend was ruined but I was relieved that God had kept me within the bounds of His stronghold when I had tried to stray out…right into trouble.

That is not to say, it’s perfectly alright for me to continually rush ahead of God and do things my way. Sometimes, God would allow me to stray out of His stronghold to enable me learn what it means to be in His stronghold…if I thought for one minute that being in His stronghold is boring, I would have a feel of the exciting and protection-free environment being outside of His stronghold offers. I need to remember how steep the climb back up into His stronghold can be. I hope whenever, I feel the need to rush ahead of God because His promises for my life are taking way too long, I would remember that if David had rushed ahead of God to be king when he was first anointed, he would have walked right out of God’s stronghold into the tip of Saul’s spear and would have died a shepherd boy not the king God intended him to be when the time was right.

I can’t recall when I began to tithe. I’ve been tithing for many years. I remember tithing even when I hadn’t begun working. The first time, I heard the word “tithe” was when my Aunt Stella was on vacation in our home. We always had Bible Study meetings on a regular basis whenever she visited with her family. I enjoyed those Bible studies when she was around. I was introduced to Malachi 3:10-12 –  ”Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try Me now in this,” says the LORD of hosts, “ If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field,” says the LORD of hosts; and all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a delightful land,” says the LORD of hosts” (NKJV).

I began to tithe soon after that and I have been doing that to date. I would be a liar if I said, I have ALWAYS tithed during this period. There were occasions when I didn’t always tithe a tenth of what I had. Even when I hadn’t reached an employable age, I tithed a tenth of money I had received in the form of gifts or a tenth of the stipend my dad used to give us. In my adult years, in periods when I wasn’t employed, I tried to tithe a tenth of every financial seed another person sowed in my life. There were times I went for long periods without tithing.
Tithing hasn’t always come easy to me.  I have gone through some really tough periods that every penny mattered. There were times, I would tell God about my intention to tithe but remind him of the need for me to pay my rent to avoid becoming homeless or tell God if I didn’t buy some food, I would probably die of hunger. Had I known, tithing is an integral part the lesson in total dependence and complete trust in God, I would have done it right long ago. Thinking about it, He who blesses us with all good things, is asking for only a tenth of what we have so that His people are taken care of. He doesn’t care what we do with the other nine portions out of the ten. This morning, while reading Genesis 47, it dawned on me that a tenth wasn’t such a big deal for in Genesis 47:24, Joseph asked the people of Egypt to give a one-fifth of their harvest to Pharaoh in a time of famine. I thought to myself that is a lot to ask for. I think I would rather give a tenth in famine or plenty than a fifth. That goes to show how considerate the Lord God Almighty is.

I know I am not walking in complete obedience in some areas of my life. I strive to get it right. I ask for the grace to get better in these areas on a daily basis. Some days, I do great. On other days, I am totally doing me – I even forget to walk in obedience. Therefore, I understand some of my loved ones who know about tithing but don’t practice it for one reason or another. They would have to get to the point where they look forward to walking in obedience. I had to get here too. For now, I look forward to tithing. Of course, with my many needs, I always remind the Lord of His part of the deal as I keep my part of the deal – while I walk in obedience and let Him use me as an instrument to put food in His storehouse, He opens the windows of heaven and pours out blessings on me and the people I intercede for. After all, the Creator doesn’t need my tithe to make it happen in His storehouse. Neither does He need me to do something for Him first before He shows me mercy, Jesus ensured by His death for my sins that God’s mercy would be upon me not because I deserve it but because of the Blood of the Lamb!

So yes, we may give to the poor or needy, volunteer at the homeless shelter, and write a check for our church, drop an offering into the bowl every Sunday but tithing is special. Tithing, like the other things that our will naturally fights is only designed to teach us to trust in the goodness of the Lord, in plenty and in lack. His plans for us are always for good and never for evil. It’s for our own good!

I had allowed people to get to me…I had unconsciously allowed people to sneak into my life and take advantage of me… again. Here I was, thinking I was being resourceful, being helpful and now I had to be everything to everyone…and yet I couldn’t confidently say every one of those people were in my corner or could be sacrifice anything for me.

Certainly, I have myself to blame too. For some reason, I have volunteered to right every wrong in this poisonous environment I tend to find myself in. I don’t only fight for myself but I have to take it upon myself to fight for the downtrodden too. I have to be the one to tell the users to stop taking advantage of people. I have to be “Miss Manners” herself and point out the right way to treat others. I have tried teaching by example but these ones seem to enjoy just been downright rude, opportunistic, lazy…you name it, and I have seen it. Since the exemplary lifestyle isn’t working, I have shifted to being a rebel or the advocate of the downtrodden. In return, I have become overstressed, unhappy and ready to throw in the towel at the least provocation.

The icing on the cake is, I just found out I still have a lot of feelings for someone I dated years ago. Yes, I knew I still cared a lot about him but to be still in love with him? Come on! I have been in a “somewhat” serious relationship since then and dated others after him. I have been so frustrated by what is going on and hang up on not understanding where this is going that it’s added to urge to get away from it all.

So, I took the unpredictable route and went away on a well-deserved time “staycation”… away from it all. I checked into a nice hotel and hang out with myself for a couple of days. I spent most of the time in God’s face as well as in His presence (there’s a difference you know: one is out of desperation and the other is just basking in His love). The rest of the time was spent at the spa and checking out the restaurants.

This self-imposed time-out was beneficial in so many ways. My answer to all of those stressful issues came in the form of a verse in the Bible. For instance, I came back home with the resolve to let God do all the fighting for me in that stressful and poisonous environment while I just chill out (Exodus 14:14 AMP – The Lord your God will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest). I don’t have to waste my time teaching grown folks who are not willing to turn from their old ways. I don’t owe them a dime and neither do they owe me one. I tried out of the goodness of my heart (and of course to stand up for myself) but sometimes you have to let people work their way toward what is coming to them even though they might think that the whole world is their to take advantage of.  Where this young man is concerned, I also decided to completely stop fighting to make it work.  It is easier for me to let God handle and take myself out of letting in happen. I know I have already done the necessary groundwork and the rest is up to God and this person. I don’t care what I know or what I feel anymore but I know I am not going to do the all work by myself…anymore. In other words, I am throwing in the towel till someone else throws some more weight behind it. I want God’s will for my life not just in this area but in all other facets of my life. It is the peaceful route to go, after all.

I can confess right now that letting God fight for me, doesn’t come easy. There have been times when I’ve actually started taking over the fight then I remember and back off slowly. There are other times that, I remember I am supposed to let God fight for me but I quickly say, “Lord, I’ve got this” or “Lord, let me handle this one then You can handle the next one.”  It comes a little easier where my friend is concerned. I’m not stressing about it anymore. All I know is I’m not going to put my life on hold.

Don’t get me wrong, for there are times when you ought to stand up and fight. Put your faith in action. This is not the time for me, at this moment. I have done too much of fighting. It’s time for me to let go and let God. I found calm right there in the neck of my woods. You don’t need to go that far to find it. It’s right there when we seek it. We just need to step away for a minute. Calm is right there within our reach but we usually have to give up something in return for the tranquility it offers. Often times, we have to stop doing things the way we’ve always done them and go the more peaceful way…where you don’t have to fight but completely trust God to order your steps…completely watch Him work it out and do it His way.

I don’t think anyone can be innately good or innately bad. We are all Dr Jekylls and Mr/Ms Hydes. What I believe is, some have more good than bad and vice versa. I believe grace helps us to suppress and sometimes overcome the bad. Yes, what may be my bad may not necessarily be evil, harmful or unethical but it may be immoral depending on my religious worldview. In that case, I guess I only have to own it and continually ask the Lord for grace to put whatever my ”Hyde” tendencies may be in check. However, if my “Hyde” tendencies put others in harm’s way, then not only do I need the grace of God, I do desperately need help.

I just saw/heard Jackie Kennedy’s tape on MLK’s alleged organized orgies on CNN. I would have had the exact judgmental tone and attitude she had…not too long ago. However, I have come to realize that both “the sinner and the saved” can not perfect. We ought to continually ask for grace to be more and more Christ-like each day. Yes, you may fail but you have to rise up from where you just fell and ask for the grace to get better. I know now that even though I am usually “Jekyll-ish” in behavior, I do have my “Hyde” tendencies. I have recently discovered “Hyde-ish” ways that surprise me, and yes, they even make my chocolate-colored skin blush. Sometimes, I own it because I ain’t a saint, after all! Of course, there are the times some of these ways do clash with my worldviews and I struggle for grace to run from what my flesh wants…

I digress… all I want to say in this piece is that, before we open our “Jekyll-ish” mouths to judge someone else for their very “Hyde-ish” ways, we should make sure we or the people close to us don’t have the very same or similar “Hyde-ish” tendencies. Since we all have our very own “Hyde-ish” ways we ought to try to make what we say about the bad we see in others, devoid of judgment. I have seen close friends struggle with their conscience and their own desires, and sometimes, I have tried to force them to see the right way. It took me a while to realize that, each person’s walk is different. You can only love the people around you and pray for them when they are struggling with their not-so-bad-Hyde-tendencies-that-don’t-put-others-in-harm’s-way. Just let them know where you stand but tell them you would still love them no matter what.

On hindsight, I know that when I was going through my not so “Jekyll-ish” ways most people just loved on me (some did try to force me to see reason) but until I had walked that walk all by myself, I didn’t have a story to tell. Our loved ones have to go through that experience themselves to learn the lesson intended. I know that sometimes, our hearts ache for them because we know how it may end but it is for them to walk that experience out. We do need intervention when we become habitual players in our Hyde-ish ways or when we are putting ourselves or others in harm’s way. For at the end of the day, only God can and will do the judging.

For the video:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/09/15/behar-jackie-mlk-tapes.hln